SOMEONE'S STARING AT YOUR TOOSHIE, RIGHT NOW

No matter who you are or the time, there's always someone staring up your fanny and someone kissing it. Yes. I said fanny. Before you freak out, aliens did NOT steal my body (wouldn't blame them though). See the thing is, Single Unsingle here will be having a few visitors from my Uni for a couple of days/weeks courtesy of one Mercy Gabriel, so I'll be polite and shove tea and cupcakes in their faces, as any good host would of course. Karibuni sana wageni. Oh, and newbies, stick around till the end and maybe I'll throw in a free tour :) Okay? Moving on!

It doesn't matter if you see them (voyeurs, admirers, watchumacallit ) or know that it's taking place, but at this very moment, there is someone 2 minutes into a blue movie with your fanny having the staring role. Take a look around... You might not spot them easily, sneaky bastards, but they're lingering about you with their eyes. Sorry? Oh, you're seated right now? Yep. You too. Look behind you at the guy seated at 5 o'clock with his nose tucked into the PC monitor. Not the guy with earphones. The other one. Yes him. As soon as you turn your back to him he'll look at your tooshie again, or at least what it would like if you were standing. Believe it! Haha!

On a serious note, I'm getting tired of the lack of action in my life. It's almost like as soon as the ex-husby slammed me in the face with fake divorce papers (legit in our fake 3 year marriage, long story Newbies try to keep up), every single guy who got a whiff of my 'Single-girl scent' took to the hills. The guy who would always give me hand rubs as we were catching up watching a chic-flick? Gone. The other guy who would occasionally drop by my place so he can take me out to lunch, you know, as friends (he didn't want to be just friends)? Gone! The other guy who would always take me shopping when the husby couldn't? GONE! 

Him i miss the most. I'm a difficult shopper. My slight perfectionist tendencies must have permeated into my shopping habits. I scan every little detail of an item before i buy it. If it has one flaw before my heart loves it, I can't buy it. If i see the flaw after I'm already head over heels over it, oooh I'll still get it! Coz I love it (say it like a drunk 21yr old blonde girl) Yes. The same principle applies to the men i let into my life. Needless to say, it is a task! Shopping that is, in case you forgot. And getting a good man :) Gotcha! Hehe! Since my brother is still writhing in the agony of his last shopping trip with me a year ago, he, Tim, was all i got. Sigh... If you see this Tim, call me... My closet misses the traces of your presence. Mega sigh...

Explains why i haven't gone shopping for sometime now or for dates to say the least. Isn't it a jungle out there? I'm mad scared. It all seems like a lot of work. The background checks, the being prim and sweet and pretending to like his friends, the helping him when he has a huge meltdown over something at work that barely counts but it does to him, it's all too much! I'm not ready to do the heavy lifting again anytime soon. 

Not that I have any opportunities to turn down anyone, what with all the tumble weed rolling about in my life. It's a relationship Ghost town up in here. The only guys that seem to be making gooey eyes with my tush or throwing air kisses at it are some guy who works at a production company with a 1 year old kid and another Rugby hottie with a kid of a girlfriend. Nailed it! Bam! Hehe. I'm serious. It's slim pickings for this girl this season and with the two guys as the only names in my Be-With-Me draw in the hat raffle, I might have better lack kissing a frog for a prince. Thank you Karma and your cousin Humility and his loose sister Patience. That girl don't wait to cause you pain. No sir!

All this has got me thinking. Is this the point where people get desperate enough to date someone younger than them or waaaaaay below their expectations coz I'm not that low yet. Still throwing some mean soccer punches in the air and shouting all the 300 one liners I can remember to encourage myself. 

It's only for a while, right? Matter of fact, I'm starting to enjoy it, this me-time. I've filled it with time spent with friends, time at fellowship (a good place for me to let out my frustrations once in a while. Come watch at SB 305 every Tuesday and Thursday 9:30PM and bring some popcorn. It's for me. Feel free to throw in a soda. I don't work for free. But seriously, it's about God) and cooking - nothing Martha Stewarty. Sorry to disappoint. In short, I've been doing anything BUT spend me-time. Well, that's unless there's no one around.

My conversations with God are the ones i look forward to. TV whirring quietly in the background, none of that Alejandro stuff, as I read a couple of blog posts from favourite internet writers and a smart convo with the Big Guy.

Me: You know, I should have been spending time with you all along.

God: Glad you finally came to that conclusion.

Me: No. For real. Can't believe it took me so long.

God: 5 and a half years exactly but who's counting...

Me: I can always trust You, You call back, You love me... Heck! I don't need a man!

God: Whoa! Now wait there a minute. Don't be so quick to...

Me: Yeah. You're all I need.

God: ...Dismiss men. Would be nice to finish a sentence or two but go on. I know you're hurting.

Me: OMG! (I said gosh) I'm sorry. Guess that's one thing I need to improve on. And I'm not that over men, just not ready.

God: You're doing good my love.

Me: I am? Yeah... What makes You think so?

God: Well, for starters, you're not rushing into anything with anyone right now.

Me: That's because You're dude-blocking (You know what I meant! More tea and cupcakes anyone? Hehe) me big time right now.

God: But that's HUGE for you.

Me: I know...

God: You're spending more time with your friends. Look, you're not even trying to fill up your life with the fleshly things you used to.

Me: Again, because You rewired my body to go numb like I asked. Thank You for that by the way!

God: Anytime child! You're happier and friendlier and You smile a whole lot more easily to people these days.

Me: (nods head as she smiles)

God: We talk more and you're on the path to being a faithful godly woman like you used to be. You understand what single people go through with a bit more clarity. Especially Christian single people... Child? Child?

Me: I'm here. Go on...

God: I had missed you child. And I'm glad we're picking up where we left off...

Me: I am too. You know... (abrupt knock on the door)

                              "Who is it?"

                              "It's Neighbour. Can I borrow the PS?"

                              "Sure. Just wait one minute." (Unhooks PS from TV, carries it and opens the door)

                              "Thanks. Will return it sometime."

                              "No biggie." (closes door) 

Me: So where were we? *smiles*

This is what my Daddy will tell ya. Brace yourself

I know that it's not healthy to jump from one long term relationship and right into the dating pool where the waters are cold and therein lurk wily men who will say and do anything to get you outta your drawers. So I'm not leaping anytime soon. If I haven't said it before, I'mma say it now. Things are different this time. I've got back up. You wanna get to me, you've gotta get through God coz my Daddy isn't letting anyone unworthy even a mile close to this piece of deliciousness. Godly dude-blocking is unbreachable. Hehe. I can only hope that the guy He has for me is somewhere ogling at my tushie eyes wide closed. He's respectful so none of that :) Haha! He'll know where to find me... In bed with a good book, a hot cuppa Joe and talking to Papa :) And you know how he'll know? Coz Daddy told him so :)

PS: Newbies, I'm thinking the tour should be shifted to the next post. Yes? Or something like that :)

Single Unsingle